I’ve been in Nanaimo for two-and-a-half years now, and I love it here. This is where I am going to live out the rest of my days. It has everything I want and need in my retirement years, including lovely places to walk, handy goods and services, and lots of friendly people.
The only wrinkle in this fabric is that I sometimes lie in bed at night wondering about real or imagined social faux pas, or perceived social put downs. As a newcomer, I am sensitive to differences and acutely aware of what I perceive to be societal norms, so it bothers me when I fail to meet local expectations.
The first thing I noticed was that women in my age group wear cross-body bags when they are shopping and out walking along the waterfront. When I first arrived I had a nice-but-old leather backpack-style purse, but didn’t see anyone else using them. Maybe they had gone out of fashion. I didn’t know. But, I knew what I saw and it wasn’t backpacks. So, I bought a cross-body bag. It wasn’t an up-market bag, and it wasn’t leather, but I thought it was good enough.
The bag may have passed the test, but something about the rest of my appearance was out of step. I know this because I have occasionally noticed friends’ gazes shift from my eyes to my clothes. You know that look. It goes from your face to your neckline, then your waist and hips, then back up to your eyes. Nothing is said about you. The conversation continues.
That look, though, encapsulates an assumption about your wealth, your taste in clothing, your choice in jewellery, and your social standing. If the gaze on me lingers just a little too long, I don’t think “Oh, they are admiring my clothes!” I think, “Oh dear. I’ve been judged and found wanting.” Clearly, I have insecurities! It doesn’t bother me if a stranger does it, but if it is a friend or acquaintance, I start to question my fashion choices.
To wear lipstick, or not to wear lipstick. To get a manicure or not to get a manicure. To wear a coat with a fur collar or a coat with a fake fur collar. If I notice the same attribute on enough women, I wonder if I should follow their lead.
I know that none, or at least very few, of the women I meet care very much about my appearance, but at the same time they do share a lot of characteristics that are not always in my repertoire. When you just want to quietly fit in, you don’t want to stand out by being different.
And now that I have just written that, I realize that I can’t help being different in some ways simply because of my varied life experiences. I should just learn to love my unique qualities and my non-standard wardrobe and let the gazes fall where they may.
Not only that, but I am probably letting my insecurities cause me to gaze at others longer than I should. Simply by noticing details on other people, I am guilty of the same crime in making assumptions. Gah! Now what?
I won’t be getting a coat with a fur collar any time soon, but I did recently buy a lipstick.
Snowbird of Paradise 
I actually have a similar situation. We are lucky enough to spend 5-months a year in a Florida golf community. Golf, tennis, pickleball, so a very active place. The common dress when not in sports gear is cotton pants and various tops, most always with bright mixed colours. And that is fun, just not for me.
I’ve struggled for years with this and finally this year just said to myself ‘screw this’. So while I’ve adapted a bit to casual from my normally dressy style, I can’t be anyone else. So I will wear that blazer with my white jeans, and very nice sweaters when it’s cooler. I will wear my linen when it’s hot but it won’t be entirely shapeless 🙂
This has become rather lengthy! I’m glad you got the lipstick, and backpacks are still made, and you be you 🙂
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this, June! Congratulations on reaching your comfort/conformity balance. I’m aiming for that.
that’s been my life…I know I’m older, but I was too old to be a baby boomer and no matter how much I wanted to be, nope, but then I have more incommon with Gen X, Z or whatever..but no longer fit in anywhere….but you’re in heaven. My wife has cousin that lives there and am so jealous, I have a connected to the Running Room there, and would love to move and work there…the island feels so cool….one thing I always think, do we over think this stuff…and it only matters to us, if we pretended we were watching our life on TV we’d probably get that…
I know I overthink this stuff, but at 3 AM the thoughts just keep on coming. You are right about island living; it is a delight!
Just be yourself
Thanks, Sheree. The problem I have is that who I am changes a little every time I move.
Sorry, Anne, I do think you are overthinking and caring too much about what others think. Since retiring I naturally wear more casual clothes. But I pretty much wear what I think suits me and what is comfortable. My friends all vary somewhat in how they dress -that’s up to them. I still wear a nice jean jacket in the summer although they are not as popular in Ontario. I have to keep my left arm covered because of radiation burns from my skin cancer. When I go out I always wear lipstick but never too bright and I always wear earrings because I like to. I’m 82 and who cares? At this age I feel much mere free to do what I want.
I’m sure you are right, Barb. Clearly I am not as comfortable in my own skin as you are, but I’m mostly content. It’s only occasionally that I have misgivings.
Well sometimes I have misgivings too.
It’s our diversity that makes us stronger. Try to lean into you because your uniqueness is very attractive.
You always say the nicest things, Sally.