Today I bought myself flowers. A big bunch of yellow flowers, and I can’t remember the last time I bought a bunch of flowers just for me.

Now I’m wondering why I haven’t done this before. I have bought flowers for other people, sometimes for people far away, people in other countries, but I don’t know when I have previously bought myself flowers.

I have bought flowers for the garden; bulbs, perennials, annuals, herbs, all sorts of flowers for the garden. But no cut flowers. No flowers that go into a vase. There is a difference, but I’m not sure I know what it is. Why do I think it is all right, sensible even, to buy flowers for other people or for the garden but not for myself?

Today I had a short list of items to buy in the nearby mall and after checking two stores to find a steamer basket, I told myself that if I couldn’t find one in the third store I would buy myself some flowers. I don’t know where the thought came from, but it came regardless.

There is a lovely florist’s store in the middle of the mall and I often walk buy it and think about buying a beautiful, unnecessary, temporary adornment to my home. But I have not yet bought anything from there. I just look. I try very hard to resist the unnecessary and the temporary.

But, as you can tell, there is another me that whispers into my ear telling me that buying myself flowers is nothing less than I deserve. In fact, I am overdue for self-bought flowers. That is the me that walked with other-me out of the steamer basket-free store and into the florist’s store today.

When I chose a bouquet of yellow flowers and took them to the cashier, she asked me if they would be in water within half an hour. I assured her that they would, but wondered why she asked. I still wonder. Then, I walked home with my few purchases and my flowers and I thought about flowers as gifts. I was quite self-conscious about carrying a bouquet and I wondered what other people thought about why I carried them.

Some part of me thinks that flowers should be given to me by others, and I have been raised to respond with warm appreciation to such benevolence. At the same time, a gift of this sort should be received from without, not provoked from within. It’s a bit like diamond rings. A person doesn’t buy themselves a diamond ring; they are offered by a romantic partner and associated with love, alliance, permanence, commitment, trust.

Significantly, I have never had a diamond ring either, even though I have been married twice. This is partly because I have never been engaged to be married, and that is because engagement never made sense to me. Either you were in love and committed to each other or you were not. I didn’t understand the interim procedural. I was also opposed to the awful things associated with diamond mining back in the 60s and 70s. So, no diamond for me.

But, now I have some lovely flowers. Flowers that I bought for myself. Maybe I could also buy myself a lovely diamond ring! I could buy a good Canadian diamond that doesn’t come from a war zone, if I could find a ring to fit over my aged knuckles. Does a diamond have to be a gift or could it be as minimally self-indulgent as buying a bunch of flowers?

Well, maybe so or maybe not. There is a big difference in financial outlay between a bunch of flowers and a diamond ring, but the gifting principle is the same. Everyone, including me, deserves a treat. But, for now I’ll just enjoy my flowers and, when I get it, the steamer basket that I ordered online.