My Birthday Gift to America

For my birthday, on August 16th, I am going to give America a gift from Canada. I’m going make every can of beer cost a little bit more. Aren’t you grateful?

close up photography of coors light beer near black baseball mitts
Photo by Bekka Mongeau on

You might think that a gift should be something you actually want, but that’s not how this gift works. This gift comes in the form of a tariff, and you love tariffs on imported goods, right? It’s your way of saying “That’ll show ’em” to every country that makes things you want to use. You make them cost more.

person looking searching clean
Photo by Gratisography on

So, here’s how this works, we sell our aluminum to you, and you put a tax on it. The idea is that you are supposed to buy less of our aluminum because it costs more but, since you really like our aluminum, you will keep on buying it but after my birthday you will have to pay extra. Won’t that be great?

In return, Canada is going to put a tariff on some things we buy from America. We haven’t quite decided which things that will be yet, but they will probably come from Republican states.

lights car porsche vintage
Photo by Markus Spiske on

I am assuming this because that is what we did the last time you put a tariff on Canadian goods. We retaliated by putting a tariff on ketchup, bourbon, and lawnmowers. We make ketchup, whisky, and lawnmowers here, too, but now yours cost more so Canadians buy fewer of yours and more of ours.

I hope you enjoy my birthday and my gift to you. Just because I love you, I’m also going to give you the gift of an additional tax on appliances and cars because they also use Canadian aluminum. You are welcome.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Snowbird, happy birthday to me.


Update 15 September 2020:

Common sense has prevailed. America has decided to drop the tariffs on Canadian aluminum imports, so Canada has chosen not to go ahead with retaliatory measures. (CBC


  1. Yes indeed, we Americans gather in small groups and deviously plot which products to tax or tariff and which will hurt Canadians the most. It’s kind of a sport as we pass time sheltering in place against Covid.

    I do indeed wish you a Happy Birthday! One of my best friends also had an August 16 birthday. Unfortunately he died in 2006.

    Golly, this response is just sliding downhill quickly! Did not begin it in a negative space but it feels as though I fell into a hole along the way!

    Seriously, Happy Birthday in about a week!

      • In devious cases, we meet at Peet’s, for Pete’s sake. LOL We wear heavy clothing and drink tea and despite the wreck of our country, we think positive thoughts for Canada!

        Hugs, MB

          • Politicians? Do you mean those old white men who wander the halls of the Senate, amongst other places, seemingly lost? I surely hope people re-elect Mitch McConnell because he may not be able to find an Exit otherwise. Ahhh, all those Republican senators and congresspeople, what would we do without them? I truly want to find out!!!!

            I prefer we vote the Democratic ticket, but PLEASE AMERICA, VOTE!!!!!!! And do so by mail if at all possible!

            Desperate times call for desperate measures. I apologize for any offensive content.

Please leave a comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.